Tarah Bons
Stardate: 10/04/2011
Location: Upsilon Andromeda, 44 light years from the Milky way Galaxy
Bob The Alien
My name is Bob, I’m a case manager at the Trans-Universe Department of Creature Affairs. Recently, I lost my Interstellar spacecraft license. Well actually, it was taken away. See, there was this Creature Rights Protest I attended. I only had a few drinks on the way. My good old buddy, Commander Howard, spotted my craft on his way home, so you know he had to pull me over. Jerk. Heir Howard personally suspended my license after that little incident. Such are the perks of being the Commander in Chief to the Andromedian Galactic military, I guess.
So, that’s how I happened to be sitting shotgun in the space cruiser that particular day. Everyone’s so touchy about rules and whether you have a license or not. I was staring out the passenger window, trying to ignore my crewmates, when I saw it: silver and copper with strange antennas, and a large round object attached to the polygonal body. It appeared to be some sort of crude spacecraft. The contraption proved oblivious to our approach, so we moved in for closer inspection. A twelve inch gold disc on the side of the apparatus caught my attention.
It turned out the spacecraft, called the “Voyager 1,” was from planet Earth in the Milky Way Galaxy. The interesting part was the gold disc: odd symbols engraved on it, circles, lines and squiggles. These were generally assumed to be some sort of primitive art or written language. But the day I realized the symbols indicated the origin of the craft and that the disc could be “played,” was a thrilling one. After further inspection, I found it contained images, exotic sounds, and an intriguing thing called music. I had never heard of “music.“ The foreign sounds tickled my ears, and compelled my tentacles to wave to the beat. My favorite song was called “Dark was the Night,” by someone called Blind Willie Nelson. The melody rolled and soothed my trodden ego. Somehow I related to Willie was an old friend. Willie knew someone just like Commander Howard, we were brothers sharing a common plight. The Blues was the anthem of the regular man. I liked the Blues.
One day, at the office water cooler, I overheard a conversation I shouldn’t have. Commander Howard was having a private conversation with my supervisor.
“You don’t need to know why I’m taking Earth’s moon! Just keep it under wraps!” Howard growled in a low voice.
The blood draining from my head, my mind began to race. By taking the moon back to Andromeda, that would leave Earth and its inhabitants with a bit of a problem. See, the Moon and Earth are engaged in a sort of gravitational dance. Without the stabilizing influence of the moon, Earth’s axis would flail and wobble, causing chaos to the planet and its inhabitants. What would become of Earth’s inhabitants, the producers of my newly beloved Blues music? This was typical of Howard! Always disregarding Creature rights laws, destroying worlds, all for his own gain. Politicians! “Well not this time!” I grumbled angrily under my breath. A plan began formulating in my head. The first thing I needed to do was get my license back.
So here I am, standing in a ridiculous line at the Department of space vehicles. My plan is to beg for my license and then head out to Earth. I need to stop Howard. Finally! A window opens up, I make my way over to the clerk and hand her my paperwork. Smack! She slams her rubber stamper down, “Denied” emblazoned on my paper.
“Commander Howard has to clear this personally.” She dismisses in a bored tone. “No Exceptions!”
Sadly, I trudge out of the building. Wait a minute! I’m going to challenge the Commander in Chief of Andromeda! What do I need a silly license for? And since when do I care about rules? Filled with new purpose, I go home to pack.
I blast my way through the Universe in my little blue space cruiser. My home star, Upsilon Andromeda, is about forty-four light years from Earth. Of course, I’m breaking all the speed limits, even the speed of light. I hope I don’t get pulled over. Pulling out the golden disc, I re-read the directions. I should be there by now. Something’s wrong. I keep passing a solar system with eight planets, but the disc clearly says nine. That can’t be right. I flick on my radio signal detector and tune into Earth’s frequency. Odd, the signal is coming from the eight-planet system. Hmm, I move closer, yes it’s coming from that one. Suddenly, a belt of objects orbiting outside Neptune comes into view. Silly Humans, Pluto’s not a planet.
A small blue planet comes into view on my navigation screen. I disengage the auto pilot, and allow the craft to coast. Looking around, I see no evidence of an Andromedan fleet. I settle to wait, relaxing back and admiring the blue and white marble of a planet. The moon glides in front of me, blocking my view. As Earth re-appears again, I jump in my seat. An Armada of Andromedian military craft are heading my way. Suddenly my radio beeps with a hail call. “Damn!” I screech, fumbling for the communications device.
“Well, well, well…look at you Bob, driving with a suspended license. Little far from home aren’t you? What are you doing way out here?” Howard’s voice booms over the radio. The lead ship slides in front of mine, I can see Howard through the front window now.
I notice the idling formation of ships appear to be fully armed. Each ship armed to the teeth with weaponry I can’t even begin to asses. Suddenly, my little space cruiser feels small and insignificant: No armament, no weapons, nothing. I can feel the fear spreading its icy fingers through my body. ‘What was I thinking?‘ I eek, horrified. This is one of those infamous moments of clarity I hear about in near death experiences. These stories pretty much go the same way: Realize I’m going to die, moment of clarity, solution. I can see him shifting around, unsure what to do. He does not care about Earth, its inhabitants, their survival, or their rights. Commander Howard wants this whole thing kept quiet. But that alien is a politician through and through. That alien is also politician up for re-election in only a few short months. It would be terrible for his public image for something like this to rear its ugly head. Earth and Andromeda aren’t so different in that respect, when politicians get caught with their pants down, it’s a PR disaster.
Now or never I breathe, gathering all my courage. I know someone with bigger guns than the Andromeda Military. A smile spreading across my face, I hit the speed dial to the major Andromeda news networks.
“Don’t worry Boss, I’m calling all the major news networks right now! This is huge news, our people love discoveries of life on other planets! I smile deviously and wave, as he drops his head in surrender.
